Thursday, December 6, 2012

Gin & Flamingoes presents Christmastery - draft of spoken word piece

For the second year running, I'm working on a spoken word piece for the Bibby Factors Christmas compilation. Here's a good if not yet finalized draft.

Any resemblance to a certain best-seller is entirely intentional.

And yes, the ending in particular still needs some work.


“It is time” he says “It is time” says he
As the clock strikes twelve on Christmas eve
“Sign this contract and enter my dark yet glamourous world of X-M-A-S”
“And holy crap!” thinks she for the twenty-fourth time
That night; struck dumb by his ridiculous handsomeness .
She signs in golden, glittery ink, and that's that.

“Now”, he says, “Now” says he
“Here are the Rules you must follow for me.
Be of good cheer from dusk till dawn
Have a Santa Stop sign on your lawn
Never refuse a mince pie
Obey Christmas laws with a twinkle in your eye.”

“Behold my room of special toys.
For nice AND naughty girls and boys.
“Come my love! It would seem rather timid,
To make the Dr Who Christmas Special your hard limit.”

(she realised deep in her medulla oblongata
That these festive fetishes were his desiderata)

“There may be times you cannot go out
Until you've partaken of the Christmas sprout.
Eat. The. Sprouts.
It's in the contract.
Eat. The. Sprouts.
It's in the contract.”

Though the millionaire toy-maker acted so grim
Oh my, our heroine was drawn to him
Isn't he Byronic, dontcha think?
With his glower and power and Christmas kink?

Her inner goddess saw it as a good sign
That his fiscal Cliff was Mistletoe and Wine
As Foucault The Red Nosed Reindeer played – a composition of his own design -
They danced until the Eve became Christmas Day

And on and on he went, sternly.
Every festive detail spelt out, eternally
“Eat. The. Sprouts.
It's in the contract.
Watch. The. Queens. Speech.
It's in the contract.
Lose. To. Me. At. Scrabble.
It's in the contract.
It's in the contract.
Drink. The. Sherry
It's in the contract.
Want. The. Figgy. Pudding.
It's in the contract.
Pull. The. Cracker.
It's in the contract.
Read. The. Joke
It's in the contract.
Laugh. (Ha. Ha. Ha).
It's in the contract.”

Bind him as he sleeps
With chains of tinsel and paper
So that when he wakes upon Boxing Day
Greeted him with a spoon, and a smile and say

“Eat. The. Sprouts.
It's in the contract.
“Eat. The. Sprouts.
It's in the contract.”

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