Saturday, December 22, 2012

Gin & Flamingoes present Christmastery - final version

For the second year running, I've been working on a spoken word piece for the Bibby Factors Christmas compilation. Here's a final version.

Any resemblance to a certain best-seller is entirely intentional.

“It is time” he says “It is time” says he
As the clock strikes twelve on Christmas eve
“Sign this contract and enter my dark yet glamourous world of X-M-A-S”
“And holy crap!” thinks she for the twenty-fourth time
That night; struck dumb by his ridiculous handsomeness (insert four repetitive paragraphs here)
She signs in golden, glittery ink, and that's that.

“Now”, he says, “Now” says he
“Here are the Rules you must follow for me.
Be of good cheer from dusk till dawn
Have a Santa Stop sign on your lawn
Never refuse a mince pie
Obey Christmas laws with a twinkle in your eye.”

“Behold my room of special toys.
For nice AND naughty girls and boys.
Come my love! It would seem rather timid,
To make the Dr Who Christmas Special your hard limit.
And there may be times you cannot go out
Until you've partaken of the Christmas sprout.”

Though the millionaire toy-maker acted so grim
- in his red woolly jumper with festive trim -
Oh my, our heroine was drawn to him
Isn't he Byronic, dontcha think?
With his glower and power and Christmas kink?

She had realised deep in her medulla oblongata
That these festive fetishes were his desiderata
Her inner goddess saw it as a good sign
That his favourite tune was Mistletoe and Wine
As Foucault The Red Nosed Reindeer played
They danced until the Eve became Christmas Day

But as Yule went on she regretted her decision
His baubled palace seemed more like a prison
She realised her character was badly drawn
And had fallen from fanfic into supermarket porn
And he: more arsey than Darcy; from that voice
Issued endless demands that denied her Christmas choice.

On and on he went, sternly.
Every festive detail spelt out, eternally
“Stuff. The. Turkey.
It's in the contract.
Watch. The. Queens. Speech.
It's in the contract.
Lose. To. Me. At. Scrabble.
It's in the contract.
It's in the contract.
Drink. The. Sherry
It's in the contract.
Morecambe. And. Wise.
It's in the contract
Flambe. The. Figgy. Pudding.
It's in the contract.
Pull. The. Cracker.
It's in the contract.
Read. The. Joke
It's in the contract.
Laugh. (Ha. Ha. Ha).
It's in the contract.
Eat. The. Sprouts.
It's in the contract.”

With chains of tinsel and of paper
She bound him with the product of her own labour
So that when he woke upon Boxing Day
She fixed him with a smile and a spoon to say

“Eat. The. Sprouts.
It's in the contract.
“Eat. The. Sprouts.
It's in the contract.”

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