Room 101 guest post: Against Sporks by Anonymous

Disclaimer: This is the first piece of non-work writing I have attempted since (I think) GCSE English.  As such, consider this less a piece of creative writing and more an opportunity to dump the content of a tiny area of my brain onto (sort of) paper. You have been warned...

When this bit of scribbling was requested I had to think about what topic I would choose. No easy task as many things infuriate me on a daily basis; poor use of apostrophes, Preston North End’s last manager, the ginger cat that attempts to cat-burgle us on an almost daily basis. You get the idea. However, I have chosen something a bit more...well...plastic.

Photo by Jmb at en.wikipedia and Made available under Creative Commons license
 

Sporks*. Defined by Wikipedia as a “hybrid form of cutlery taking the form of a spoon-like shallow scoop with three or four tines”. Known in my brain as “that useless piece of plastic that functions neither as a spoon or a fork”. Essentially a waste of space, time and air. I am not sure when these bits of tat completed their infiltration of food stores but they have seemingly crept up on us like Norovirus.

I suspect that some witty folk sat round a dinner table, after a few too many glasses of wine, mused upon the amalgamation and naming of household items. Someone came up with the ‘spork’ concept and then someone else decided it was their Dragon’s Den moment. To be fair there have been worse suggestions on DD; I refer you to Hamfatter and the water-free egg cooker.

Don’t get me wrong, I am pleased that when nipping in somewhere on my lunch break to buy a pasta salad or similar I have the option of something to eat it with. I would however prefer that instrument to, you know, actually work. In the way of say – and I realise I am being daring here - a spoon, or a fork, or a knife. Cutlery that for 100s of years seemed perfectly acceptable.

Rather than a useless piece of plastic that is too small to scoop, not pointy enough to spear and cannot cut a bit of egg, never mind a cherry tomato. Chasing a tomato round a plastic pot, running a fine line between not being able to stab it onto the fork or hoping when you finally corner it it won’t just spray you with juice is too much excitement for me on a Wednesday afternoon. I might as well use my fingers.

Which, I suppose, is my basic point. I already have fingers. We already have cutlery that works effectively. We do not require sporks. Never have. Never will. And so that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I request, nay demand, the inclusion of sporks in Room 101.

I thank you.

*Apparently also a 2010 film described by imdb as a colourful and foul-mouthed comedy musical. Can’t be worse than the plastic rubbish. I enclose a link http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1483020/