For
the second year running, I've been working on a spoken word piece for the
Bibby Factors Christmas compilation. Here's a final version.
Any resemblance to a certain best-seller is entirely intentional.
“It is time” he says “It is time”
says he
As the clock strikes twelve on
Christmas eve
“Sign this contract and enter my dark
yet glamourous world of X-M-A-S”
“And holy crap!” thinks she for the
twenty-fourth time
That night; struck dumb by his
ridiculous handsomeness (insert four repetitive paragraphs here)
She signs in golden, glittery ink, and
that's that.
“Now”, he says, “Now” says he
“Here are the Rules you must follow
for me.
Be of good cheer from dusk till dawn
Have a Santa Stop sign on your lawn
Never refuse a mince pie
Obey Christmas laws with a twinkle in
your eye.”
“Behold my room of special toys.
For nice AND naughty girls and boys.
Come my love! It would seem rather
timid,
To make the Dr Who Christmas Special
your hard limit.
And there may be times you cannot go
out
Until you've partaken of the Christmas
sprout.”
Though the millionaire toy-maker acted
so grim
- in his red woolly jumper with festive
trim -
Oh my, our heroine was drawn to him
Isn't he Byronic, dontcha think?
With his glower and power and Christmas
kink?
She had realised deep in her medulla
oblongata
That these festive fetishes were his
desiderata
Her inner goddess saw it as a good sign
That his favourite tune was Mistletoe
and Wine
As Foucault The Red Nosed Reindeer
played
They danced until the Eve became
Christmas Day
But as Yule went on she regretted her
decision
His baubled palace seemed more like a
prison
She realised her character was badly
drawn
And had fallen from fanfic into
supermarket porn
And he: more arsey than Darcy; from
that voice
Issued endless demands that denied her
Christmas choice.
On and on he went, sternly.
Every festive detail spelt out,
eternally
“Stuff. The. Turkey.
It's in the contract.
Watch. The. Queens. Speech.
It's in the contract.
Lose. To. Me. At. Scrabble.
It's in the contract.
Deck.The.Halls.
It's in the contract.
Drink. The. Sherry
It's in the contract.
Morecambe. And. Wise.
It's in the contract
Flambe. The. Figgy. Pudding.
It's in the contract.
Pull. The. Cracker.
It's in the contract.
Read. The. Joke
It's in the contract.
Laugh. (Ha. Ha. Ha).
It's in the contract.
Eat. The. Sprouts.
It's in the contract.”
With chains of tinsel and of paper
She bound him with the product of her
own labour
So that when he woke upon Boxing Day
She fixed him with a smile and a spoon
to say
“Eat. The. Sprouts.
It's in the contract.
“Eat. The. Sprouts.
It's in the contract.”
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